When Your Face Tells Lies: My Journey with Chronic Blushing
- C. Redondo
- Mar 9, 2024
- 11 min read
Updated: Nov 15, 2024
It’s embarrassing to admit the single thing that has brought me the most shame
and torment throughout my life is my own face.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with chronic blushing. You might think oh I blush from time to time, yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing. That’s not what I’m talking about.
Chronic blushing, also known as Idiopathic Craniofacial Erythema, can be utterly debilitating. According to Hyperhidrosis NYC, “between 5-7% of the population experiences excessive blushing that is a chronic problem they must deal with on a daily basis”.
The symptoms are simple - intense blushing, often for no apparent reason, which may sometimes be accompanied by the sensation of heat and/or sweating.
For some people such as myself, the blushing extends to the ears, neck and chest and can last for a few seconds up to many minutes before subsiding.
If this is not something you suffer from, you still might be thinking okay, sure, so your face and chest turn red, what’s the big deal?
RIGHT. There is no physical pain. It’s not a medical issue. Which definitely creates even more shame on top of the shame we feel about it. Because it shouldn’t be a big deal. Yet, it can be psychologically tormenting, enough for some people to take their own life because of it.
Can blushing really be tormenting? Debilitating? All-consuming? But how?
What Makes it a Disability
“Normal blushing typically indicates that a person is anxious, embarrassed, shy, lying, nervous, or hiding something. Those with chronic blushing send these (often false) cues to those they interact with every day based on their appearance alone, which could cause them to be wildly misunderstood on a basic human level.” -Dr Gorenstein, Columbia University Medical Center
When my face would go red because my teacher called on me to answer a question in class, people would yell “Eeeeww, LOOK! She has a CRUSH on Mr. Stanley!!”
If a girl in school complimented my outfit, I would blush and they’d walk away whispering loudly, “Oh my god she must be a lesbian!!”
This lingered long into my adult years. My boyfriend would introduce me to his friends and later say “what the hell, Christina?? Do you wanna fuck my friends?? You were blushing like you’re in middle school.”
So clearly, the most common misinterpretation of blushing is that it’s indicative of a secret crush. Thanks, Hollywood. Other scenarios that terrified me were job interviews, presentations, talking to authority figures - I was pretty much terrified to speak to anyone about anything, because what will they think of me if my face goes red? And I could never predict it.
Triggers
If it wasn’t a secret crush, than what would trigger the blushing? you might ask. Literally any thought that I had about myself:
Why did I say that?🔴
I’m such an idiot.🔴
I bet I look ugly right now.🔴
Everyone is looking at me.🔴
Wow, the cool girls think I’m cool.🔴
Look I made them laugh, they think I’m funny.🔴
I said something smart for once.🔴
Hey, we’ve been talking for 5 minutes and I haven’t blushed yet.🔴
Whether I was being self critical or even slightly proud of myself, it was enough to trigger my fight-or-flight response. Because that’s what does it. The sympathetic nervous system includes the muscles that dilate and constrict blood vessels, and the face has lots of close-together capillaries that are wider and closer to the surface than the rest of the body.
So whenever I had a thought about myself, my body responded to it as a threat. And people with Idiopathic Craniofacial Erythema are thought to have an overactive nervous system, larger than normal blood vessels in the face, some sort of social anxiety, and/or extremely fair skin. Me? All of the above.
Social Implications
The crazy thing is, sometimes I could feel the blush and sometimes I couldn’t. Sometimes I felt the heat on my face and chest, other times I wouldn’t know until someone would scream “Look, she’s like TEN shades of RED right now!!” Sometimes people would actually poke me in the face to see if my skin was hot. Either way, once I realized I was blushing, I would actually become shameful and embarrassed which would make me blush even more. Sometimes it would last a whole 5 minutes or longer.
I tried it all: I wore layers and layers of color correcting makeup every day. I taped a 4x6 mirror to my school binder and would carry it around in my arms, constantly glancing down to see if my face had gone red so I could catch it before others did. I even read on the internet that Preparation H constricts blood vessels and helps for some people. Yes, I was putting hemmerroid cream on my face.
I thought about it constantly. I avoided speaking up for myself, and let people take advantage of me for a fear that I’d never be taken seriously. I tried to speak as little as possible, but sometimes I would go red just from a thought, even without speaking. I grew up dancing and had friends tell me I would be much more enjoyable to watch if I would just wear some makeup to cover my red face. Thing is, I was wearing makeup, lots and lots of it. Nothing seemed to help.
I NEVER openly shared that this was something I was struggling with, even though people could clearly see it. How stupid of me to be suffering so deeply from something so trivial? I knew nobody would get it.
In my early adult years I started to fear that I would never have a successful career or fulfilling relationships because I would be constantly judged and misunderstood. I considered getting the surgery where they go in through your armpits and snip the sympathetic nerves connected to your face on both sides. I started to see my face as a major source of betrayal, and I hated that I couldn’t trust myself.
When Did Things Change for Me?
I’ve gotta start by saying, things did not suddenly change for me. I did not intentionally set out to specifically heal my chronic blushing, although I did continue to wish it would go away. I did, however, set out to address other behavior patterns and traumatic wounding, and gradually I was able to untangle some of the mangled beliefs I had about myself, which eventually led to me finding some relief from this painful social disability.
A lot of the advice out there to help people blush less involves changing your mindset. What would trigger a blush for me was literally any thought I would have about myself, positive or negative. To be honest, at first I didn’t actually hear those thoughts as voices in my head, they were all happening on a subconscious level. So, as they say, it had to get worse before it could get better. Creating awareness is an incredibly painful, and absolutely necessary step for any behavior change.
Step one was to get mindful and pay attention to what those voices were saying.
I learned how to do this by going to DBT therapy for years, doing mindfulness practices to help grow the skill of observing my thoughts rather than identifying with them. Of course that led to more frequent and prolonged blushes for the first few years because my thoughts became voices - mean voices, mostly - that continued to trigger my sympathetic nervous system.
Step two, at some point, was to start replacing those voices with different ones.
This was also not a step that helped my blushing. As I mentioned earlier, even positive thoughts about myself would trigger it. When I would think “I sound so dumb right now” I’d replace it with “maybe I don’t sound as dumb as I think I do.” Still, 🔴. But this was (and still is) an essential part of rewiring my mindset and developing a healthier inner dialogue with myself.
Some years down the line, step three was to learn how to soothe my nervous system.
Deep breathing, mindfully tuning into my heart rate, feeling my feet inside my shoes, relaxing my shoulders - - noticing all the other things that would happen in my body was really important for me. The things I could control, like closing my eyes for a few seconds or unclenching my jaw, really helped me create a sense of intimacy with my body, which was critical for repairing the “betrayal” I had felt from not being able to trust my face and body for so many years.
Next, the most challenging step was to change my mindset around the blushing itself.
The most major side effect of Idiopathic Craniofacial Erythema is something called erythrophobia - which is a categorized fear of blushing. Which, like any other phobia, is classified as an anxiety disorder. Because I was so terrified of blushing and how people would judge me, I was hyper-fixated on avoiding it, which created a lot of stress in my body, which of course increased the chances that it would happen. I had to do a lot of intentional rewiring of my beliefs about blushing.
I also learned a cute fact about the evolutionary reason why humans blush in the first place, which is to signal “Hey, be easy on me, would ya? I’m just a sweet little harmless silly-head,” which made me soften my heart for myself.
It also helped me feel courageous enough to speak it out loud. To the polite people, “My face is red right now, isn’t it?” with a smile, and to the bullies - “Yep, that happens to me sometimes,” or the more serious “If I could make it stop, I would, and your comments aren’t helping.”
I had to cultivate self compassion for my blushing and realize that it didn’t make me a bad person, a flawed person, or an unlovable person. It’s just something that happens. And the more compassion I found for myself, the less I would blush.
The final step (if there really is one) was full-blown exposure therapy.
By this point, my years of healing practices helped me restructure my entire life. I left the abusive relationship I was in, left the shitty jobs that didn’t value me, etc, etc. I was surrounding myself with safe people and I was generally feeling really good about myself. But even though I was blushing way less, I was still wearing layers and layers of makeup.
When I moved to Australia, for the first time in my life I considered leaving the house bare-faced. Even if I felt pretty raw and exposed, nobody would have a frame of reference to make the comments I feared most, like “woah, are you sick or something?” or “you look pretty tired,” which would no doubt trigger a giant shameful blush.
So I did. I left the house wearing nothing but a little mascara and I could feel myself going red in every.single.interaction. At the cash register, a quick passing glance from a stranger, you name it. It was ridiculously uncomfortable. I would go a day or two without my layers of concealer and color corrector and foundation and setting powder and then the next day I’d layer up because I couldn’t stand it. It took about two years of that back-and-forth before I ditched the face makeup altogether.
At another point in my life I decided to shave my head. My reasoning had nothing to do with my chronic blushing, but that was a fear that kept me thinking it might be a bad idea. Eventually I just said fuck it and I shaved all my hair off and blasted my bare face to the world, without any makeup or any hair to hide behind. Okay, I’ll admit, I put a full face of makeup on for the first few days but then I felt comfortable enough to go fresh-faced like I was used to. See? Healing isn’t linear.
What’s My Blushing Situation Like Today?
I don’t think about it, almost ever! And it’s because I no longer have a slew of inner dialogue going on in my head - I’m not worried if I sound smart or funny, or what the people I’m talking to think about me. I am secure in myself which allows me to be present and focus on the moment without my own thoughts triggering my fight-or-flight response.
And if I do blush, I don’t feel the heat on my skin. The only way I’ll know if I’m blushing is if someone points it out to me, and I either don’t acknowledge their comment or I say something empowering (see examples above).
The only exception is when I’m in a whole new situation, like a new job with entirely new people, or talking to a person who’s got energy I’m not used to (like aggressive flirting, for example). And when I sense that I may be on the verge of a blush, I breathe deeply and try to relax my body, and I try to smile or laugh because that signals to my body that I feel safe.
Just to flex a little bit more, if I may - I’ve spent the last two years of my life really putting myself out there. Hosting events, getting up and speaking in front of groups of people. I even put on a one-woman show and performed for nearly two hours in front of 70-80 people! These are things my little tomato head would’ve never imagined for myself just a few years ago. I’m so damn proud of myself.
If you are suffering with chronic blushing, reach out. Email me directly - christinasnotthebest@gmail.com - please. I mean it! I have never spoken with another one of the supposed 5-7% of us who have suffered from this condition and it would be so nice to chat :)
And if you don’t experience chronic blushing, it’s very cool of you to have read this post all the way to the bottom. You are increasing your capacity to empathize with others and that is seriously awesome.
For those of you who came for the tips, here they are:
How to Support Someone When They’re Blushing
1. Ignore it. You might think it’s polite to look away, but they will surely notice you noticing them. If you maintain eye contact and the flow of the conversation, it will help them remember it’s not a big deal and they’ll relax.
2. If you feel the need to ask, you can! It might feel liberating to name it. Be curious, do not assume you know the reason they are blushing. You can say something like, “is there something on your mind right now?” Do not lead with an assumption such as, “I can tell you’re feeling shy,” or “are you uncomfortable?” Even if well intended, it will reinforce their fear that you are making judgements about their blushing.
3. If you start to get in your head about the reason they might be blushing, notice those thoughts as your own. Do you think they’re blushing because they might be attracted to the barista? Because they might be lying? Wait a bit, and then ask them about it. Remember to own your thoughts - “I notice I’m telling myself a story, I’d like to run it by you. Earlier when we were ___ and you started blushing, I assumed ___. What was going on for you?”
4. Whatever you do, DO NOT just call attention to it without a care. Pointing, laughing, touching their face, even asking “why is your face so red?” or “what are you so embarrassed about?” are all ways to make it worse.
5. There are lots of other reasons someone’s face might flush besides chronic blushing. If they’re looking hot or blotchy, low energy, etc, please check on your friend. It may be something else.
If you suffer from chronic blushing, send this article to your friends and loved ones. And if you have a loved one that you think might suffer from this, lovingly send this article their way and ask them if they can relate. Talking about it is HUGE, and it will help them feel less alone and less shameful.
And remember, blushing is such a sweet, tender, human quality.
You are lovable just as you are 🙂
